Fell asleep for about 3 hours last night. That's a good night for me. I got up to do writing, but my wife also had awaken. She's extremely sick. I have not seen her this sick since we returned from hiking to Mount Everest Base Camp in Nepal nearly a year ago. Sucks even more so because she's a runner and has been training for a race in South Carolina, which takes place in 5 days. The cost of the race and the airplane tickets are both non-refundable, so we're going anyhow. Not sure what we will do, not like there's anything interesting there, and hiking will be out of the question.
It will be strange to not have someone look after our deceased Hound while we're out of town. Her ghost haunts me, even while driving my car. She barely had a chance to enjoy the new Subaru. I gave the car seat covers away, just as I did with most of all her belongings. I kept her Ruffwear fleece though, what I called her party dress. Sometimes I'll just put it where her doggy bed used to be to feel like she's still around. It is difficult to get used to. I've never been without a canine for nearly 18 years.
The stress of my wife's job and the loss of our loved one is what she is putting the blame on. I spent about a week in bed, the depression was that bad. Was worried I wouldn't get out of. Everyone was worried. I thought of seeking help for it, but I refuse to ever go back to taking prescription anti-depression medication. I'll stick to my beer and use this sadness as fuel for writing.
Since I have no chance of getting any writing done now, or go back to sleep, I'm going on a long ride out to the country to visit Hound's grave for the first time. I had built a casket for and my wife and I put her in the ground, which tore me to pieces that first night alone because I was horrified at the thought that maybe wasn't really dead and would wake up and cry and try to claw her way out....
I'm not going to talk about it any longer. It is too heavy.
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